Accepting yourself

The early years of my life were a subject to scrutiny as my skin colour wasn’t considered a norm. At an early age you wouldn’t acknowledge vast differences in culture, skin tone, religion, race etc. You would think you are all the same as you are the same age and specie. Apparently not! In my first year of junior school we were given a task to colour a picture of a hand which matched our skin tone. Our table seated four, majority of white and a minority of other races. Before attempting the task I first observed other students who attempted the task confidently and articulately. The white children self-assuredly picked the colour peach and the Black children picked dark brown colouring pencil. I then made the conclusion that I didn’t have a dark brown skin tone therefore I used the peach colouring pencil. I was almost done colouring in the picture when my white teacher stormed over to the table and told me I hadn’t correctly picked the appropriate colour. She picked out a dark brown and told me that colour matched my skin tone. I evidently have a Middle Eastern skin tone which may be mistaken for a dark brown, but is actually a light tan/olive skin tone.

From the day onwards I had an obsession with being a lighter skin tone than the one I had. Obviously there isn’t a Crayola colour pencil designed to match my skin tone or anyone’s skin tone for that matter. In my head the only question would follow through a daily basis was “Am I that dark?!” Many years passed on I still had an obsession to be a lighter skin tone and I only now remember how that came about. Most Middle Eastern females use bleach to lighten their skin alongside a lighter tone of foundation. Another example of media bringing to our attention what skin tone is socially acceptable. L'Oréal on which is the leading beauty brand may have women of different nationalities representing their products, yet they fail to make a suitable skin tone coloured products of the Middle Eastern advantage. I, on the other hand am still looking for that skin colour tone that matches my skin on the days where I have odd yet awkward breakouts but other than that I am comfortable in my skin. I found that trying to be a lighter skin tone was trying to be a different race. My skin tone plays a philosophical part in who I am and what I am.

Do you think having a lighter skin tone makes you socially acceptable?

Analysis of body language for dummies: The eyes have it- chapter 5

Signals sent with eyes play a vital part in revealing your thoughts and attitudes. The eyes are a gate way to your soul and reflect what’s going on inside of you.  Some people instinctively know how to use their eyes to their own advantage to garner sympathy, convey sexual interest or to deliver the message “stay away.”  With practice your eyes can speak messages you shouldn’t say. You discover how to use your eyes to demonstrate dominance, display interest, show disapproval.

The held gaze has shown to be extremely powerful. Establishing and maintaining comfortably with another person can be the basis for successful communication, giving you and the person you’re communicating with a feeling of wellbeing and trust. But sometimes eye contact can be uncomfortable, such as when the other person seems dishonest, untrustworthy or angry. Whether the interaction is comfortable or not has to do, in part with that way that person looks, or doesn’t look at you. The intensity of time she holds the look she holds you eye influences the meaning of the gaze. Individual’s pupils dilate when they are interested or attracted and are constricted when they may be feeling anger or hostility towards another individual.
You can demonstrate interest in what you’re doing or saying by fixing your gaze directly on the person or object you’re addressing for slightly longer than you normally do. The length and direction of your gaze can tell whose paying attention. Research shows that when westerners interact they look at one another on average 61% of the time.  The speaker looks at the listener between 40-60%of the time and the listener looks at the speaker 75% of the time. If someone looks at you more or less than usual something’s going on that’s impacting their response. When you want to build rapport with someone research shows that you need to meet that person’s gaze between 60-70% of the time. What about shy, timid people who find eye difficult? No matter how genuine, honest, and dedicated they are, by struggling to maintain eye contact they send out signals of prevarication and doubt. The more you get use to looking at another person in the eye the more confident and trustworthy you appear, and the more rewarding you’re interacting is likely to be. Confucius said “Look into a person’s pupils. He cannot hide himself.” It is said the reason the Aristotle wore dark glasses when negotiating business deal was to prevent his eyes from revealing his thoughts. 

By allowing your eyes to wander over your targets face and body you are showing that you are attracted to that person. Often gaze alone can indicate displeasure. Beady little eyes, snake eyes and shooting daggers with the eyes are sure signs of disapproval or disagreement. If you find some looking at you with a fixed gaze for more than a few seconds when their pupils are constricted I can assure you are in disfavour. People in position of dominance use eye contact confidently, because they are sure of themselves their eye movements tend to be slow and smooth. They’re comfortable looking at another person for an extended period of time, being careful not to stare which would make them look slightly mad or rude. Those in control of the interaction demonstrate their dominance by choosing when and how long to look at the other person.  Clinton’s gaze- people who have met bill Clinton report that he has a way of looking at people that them feel not only important but that no one matters at that point. He uses his eyes to engage his listener by letting his gaze scan slowly across the other person’s eyes and face as he speaks. The listener feels that none else is in his vicinity and that she is totally the object of his attention. If you slightly narrow your eyes you are perceived as dominant, strong and in control. Donald trump is a master of the beady-eyed glare.

If you find yourself disagreeing with someone and you would want to make your point hold the eye contact slightly longer than you would normally. Without saying a word you leave no doubt that you are to feeling dominant and shouldn’t be taken seriously. If you want to come across as a person who means business, focus on the triangular between the eyes and the centre of the forehead. As long as your eyes remain in that space and keep in control of interaction the other person reckons that you’re someone who means business. 83% of information is absorbed visually, 11% through audio channel and 6% through the other three senses.

Research in Pennsylvania found that in presentations that relied solely on the spoken word, 10% was retained. If you want your message across when you’re representing visual information during a meeting, you have to guide the audience’s attention to where you would like them to look with a pen or pencil. People tend to look at things that interest them and look away from things that don’t. The sideways glance with a smile shows interest. If the listener shoots a glance out of the corner of the eye combined with the action with downward eyebrow they are harbouring a critical dismissive or hostile attitude. If you think acting submissively is a weak or negative role to play reconsider. Acting submissively can often put you in a real position of strength and is sometimes the best way to get what you want.

When you’re excited more you blink more. Rapid blinking maybe due to normal stress, or when an individual is lying; when people lie their energy increases, and when concocting an answer to difficult questions their thinking process speeds up.

Body language for dummies analysing facial expressions: Chapter 4

Facial expressions exert a powerful control over the type and amount of communication between individuals. Open facial gestures in which your eyes are engaged, your mouth is relaxed, and your head is tilted with interest are safe and inviting. Make sure your facial expressions are open and match your verbal expressions. When people want to void expressing what’s going on inside, they create the opposite facial expression with their pliable facial muscles and skin which indicates that they are masking their emotions. A jutted jaw and protruding eyes indicate anger and annoyance.

People respond positive to positive behaviour. Facial displays of genuine unadulterated, free-flowing happiness can’t be missed. When you’re experiencing pure joy your eyes involuntary twinkle, the laugh lines at the outside corners of your eyes deepen, your cheeks raise and as your lips pull up at the sides and separate you expose your pearly white teeth. Insincere smiles are easily spotted. You need more than a pulled back lips showing off your pearly whites to convince someone your feeling happy. If your eyes aren’t engaged with your mouth-that is if your lips are pull back in a smile and your eyes are dull, listless or averting the other person’s gaze- you’re sure to be spotted as insincere. To spot a genuine smiles look at the fleshy part of the eye between the brow and the eyelid. If it moves downwards and the end of the eyebrow dips slightly, the smile is for real.  

Someone’s who feeling blue has facial features that are slack and sagging. Their eyes are dull and lifeless and the sides of their mouth are probably cast downwards. Lips frequently tremble when someone experiences feeling of grief or sorrow. Disgust and contempt can be shown in varying degrees, but the general look involves the mouth grimacing while the eyes narrow. The nose wrinkles, the chin drops or lifts a fraction and the head turns slightly to the side. Expressions of fear and surprise are closely connected. In both expressions the eyes widen and the mouth is opened. The differences are subtle and found primarily in the attitudinal shape and position of the eyebrow, eyes and mouth. An expression of surprise unlike a fearful expression is open and colourful. From the whites of your eyes and teeth to the redness of the inside of your lips and your mouth, which you expose as your jaw drops, a person can tell you’re genuinely surprised. When you’re surprised or startled your eyebrows shoot up in an arch and, horizontal wrinkles appear across your forehead. The whites of your eyes become more noticeable as your eyes widen and jaw drops leaving your mouth in a slack position.  When you’re full of fear your eyebrows rise and pull together in a crooked curve. The centre part of your forehead wrinkles and, while your upper eye-lids rise exposing the whites of your eyes, your eyelid becomes tense and rise too.  

Showing interest- you tilt your head in a certain direction and nod in agreement, eyes widen taking the information in and mouth may be slightly opened. The open position indicates interest. Whether, the interest is romantic, intellectual, spiritual or just plain friendly. The eyes are engaged the head may tilt or nod and the body leans forward as if getting immersed in the subject.  

Body language for dummies: analysis and scrutiny of using your head to display power -chapter 3

How you place your head indicates whether you’re being aggressive, flirtatious, or are bored to distraction. People with power or authority position their head in ways that reinforce that power. Lift your head and tilt it backwards, and you convey a sense of superiority. Raise your head and thrust your chin forward and you send off a message don’t mess with me. If you find yourself feeling blue, lift your head in an upright position and you’ll sense your mood shift from low to high. The look of a raised head, forward thrusting chin, tilted angle and downward gaze implies arrogance; the underlying message is one of defensive posturing.

The headshake is the most common way to express a negative reaction. The head shake has two deliveries. If the listener shakes her head rapidly saying that she disagrees and wants to take over the speaker’s role. The slow shake implies that the listener is comfortable in her position and doesn’t want to take over from the speaker.
When you want to attract someone’s attention, be a potential lover, or a helping hand, and a shout or a wave would be an unsuitable choice, the head beckon is an effective gesture. This head movement is a diagonal backwards throw and may be repeated several times depending on how urgent your requests.  Touching someone on their head indicates an intimate gesture, implying trust and a deep bond between the two. It also demonstrates ones power over the other. Kissing one on the head indicates ones protective attitude or approval. The initiator implies ones superior position to the receiver.  

The strength of the nod-the degree of the up and down action-communicates the listener’s attitude. If she agrees, the head nod is a firm action. A slight nod provides feedback to the speaker letting her know how well her message is understood. The head tilt or cant is used when people are listening attentively. Although men tilt their head in an upward movement, mostly as a sign of recognition, women tilt their heads to the side in appeasement and as a playful or flirtatious gesture. When a woman tilts her head she exposes her neck, making herself look more vulnerable and less threatening.  This theory may lack validity as this could have been a male’s notion whereas females would view this as unethical.  The head tilt indicates that what you are saying doesn’t need to be taken seriously. Whereas, if you were saying something important; you would keep your head upright.

When a person is thinking she may even bring her hand to her face, put her chin into her palm. This gesture indicates that the person is thinking what to do next. If he person thinking pulls her body away from the other individual the thinking is critical, cynical or negative in some way towards the person who’s speaking.  

Non verbal gestures-Analysis and Scrutiny of Body language for dummies- Chapter 2

Well I’m back with my analysis of the second chapter. This chapter is mainly focused on spoken language was evolved from gestures. Charles Darwin concluded that humans’ ability to express emotions, feelings and attitudes through posture and gesture stems from prehistoric apes that most resemble today’s chimpanzees.

Research into primate’s behaviour concludes that non-verbal behaviour including gestures and facial expressions is a reliable source for conveying messages. At first language was nonexistent, spoken language evolved from gestures. Language has been part of human communication for 500,000- 2,000,000 years. Although humans’ ability to communicate effectively has evolved with the development of speech, body language continues to be the most reliable source for conveying attitude, feeling and emotions.  

An American anthropologist Birdwhistell labelled a form of communication “kinesics” as it relates to the movement of the body part or the individual body parts. He classified kinesics in five different categories, emblems, illustrations, affective display, regulators and adaptors.  Emblems are non-verbal signals with a verbal equivalent. They are easily identified because they’re frequently used in specific context e.g. the middle finger which usually is a form of curse words, the v shape which symbolise victory. Illustrators create visual image and support the spoken message. Example, holding your hands apart indicates size. Affective displays tend to be movements, usually facial gestures and displaying specific emotions. It can be expressions of love, frustration or anger. Regulators are body movements that control and adjust and sustain the flow of conversations. Frequently relied on to feedback how much of the message was understood. E.g. head nodding and eye movement.

Inborn responses are specific to the stimuli and require no practice or knowledge are performed unconsciously, unprompted and without self-analysis. Like a newborn baby crying or laughing.

Learned gestures, there are many forms of learned gestures such as discovered, absorbed and taught. Discovered actions are learnt during the growing up process. As you become familiar with your body you unconsciously discover you are able to do this.  Absorbed actions are learned by imitating others. Humans are imitative characters, easily influenced by the action of others especially if they are considered to be of higher status. Trained actions are learned through practice such has a handshake or winking. Refined actions are several categories of actions that influence much behaviour you perform in your adult life. Such as crying or sitting with your legs crossed.

You simply need to be aware of and understand gestures some you make and some you see.

Re-examining and scrutinizing Body language for dummies chapter 1

So I’ve been reading body language for dummies and I wanted to re-examine and scrutinize the first chapter.

The first few pages were about how we transmit messages unconsciously. Paul Ekman developed the Facial action coding system which measures describes and interprets facial features. It detects what the naked eye can’t and is used by law enforcement agencies, film animators and researchers of human behaviour. You’re probably thinking how much information can we give unconsciously and how much is picked by this coding system. We’ll the answer is quite a lot. There are a lot of things that been excessively observed over the years such as our posture hand movements and facial features. a study was done in the university of California , Los Angeles (UCLA) of how messages are received and how we respond o them. It showed that when a incongruity exists between the spoken word and how you deliver to it, 7% of messages is conveyed through words, 38% through vocal quality, and a whopping 55% comes through gestures, expression and gestures. 

I jotted down a few observational facts that we can use to analyse people and their personalities. The first one is when people feel uncomfortable or insecure place an object in from of them and use it as a protective shield. If I was doing a presentation and was feeling unconfident and you spotted a notebook in my hand it would be used in front of my body. So, let’s say the presentation had come to an end I would be answering the questions holding the notebook in front of me with both hands approximately 4-8cm away from my body. If you find yourself doing that in any circumstances, change your position. Most perceptive and observant people will pick up on it and it doesn’t send a positive message.

The second was how our body position and the way we sit. When sitting in a place where you’ll be observed and analysed do not sit with one leg over the other. Most people find it comfortable but what most people also fail to realise the message they portray. When sitting with one leg crossed over the other the impression is given that you are holding back and laid back, which also comes across as reserved. When standing you still shouldn’t stand with your legs crossed which is formally known as the “scissor position” which also gives off the same impression.  A person who sits which both legs close together in front of them is known to be dominant and active.

 Thirdly, hand movements. If you feel passionately about something and would like people to take attention hand movements are essential. Hand signals reflect your desire for your messages to be taken seriously. People who use their index finger to stroke their head or under their nose, in order to trigger memory reveals lack of security. Placing your finger on the lip indicates that you’re keeping something from coming out. If someone is feeling anxious they may be fiddling with keys ring or at pull at clothes. People who twirl their hair are seen as dreamers. Remember it is up to you how you would like to be perceived. Words convey information, gestures reveal attitude.

Fourthly are universal gestures. Smiling is a universal gesture and you are highly experienced as we do this 10 times a day on average. How do you spot a fake smile? When the sides of the lips are turned up and the eyes crinkle on the outer edge that is a genuine smile. Shrugging is a gesture that people use when they need to protect themselves. The shrug can indicate indifference, disdain, unknowing or embarrassment.

The behaviour you adopt and the gestures that you make leave an impression. Adopt, exhibit and display.

Cory Grant- “I pretended to be someone I wanted to be until I became that person.”

Abnormality

We’ll I thought I’d stop to observe the behaviour of others whilst I was on my journey to my local mall, only to discover the town is filled with crazy people! I was reading this insightful psychology book called “Body language for dummies”-Elizabeth Kuhnke. I was learning about involuntary gestures and how our body language conveys messages. Keep in mind this information was covered in the first four pages, and that this book is enlightening and will make you discover your love for psychology all over again.

 So, where was I... ok, so I’m reading my book and there’s this man sitting behind me his exterior screamed normal, sophisticated and came across as an intellectual. This may have been an involuntary gesture but every time he “coughed” or shouted or whatever it was it sounded like he was in pain. I would turn around and he was tranquilly reading his book. I had to turn around a few times to make sure I wasn’t mistaking him for someone else. I may not know all the medical terms to define the characteristics he suffered from but that was the first time I’ve observed such abnormal features. When I was done reading and taking notes I went to grab a bite to eat. I was in the mood to eat cheese burger and fries, I was innocently sitting there munching on my chips and noticed that the lady sitting in front of me got up and headed towards the door. She went over towards the door and starting moving her arms in such a motion as if she was watching an entertaining match and the team she supports was winning. Again I thought she was a typical Chav waving at her friends in such an abrupt manner. Then this behaviour became consistent, at that point everyone in the room had something to bond with, with one another. I then ran out hastily as the lady was approaching everyone. I then began to observe everyone’s behaviour and came to the conclusion that most people’s behaviour is irregular.

Abnormality, in the vivid sense of something deviating from the normal or differing from the typical (such as an aberration), is a subjectively defined behavioral characteristic, assigned to those with rare or dysfunctional conditions. Defining who is normal or abnormal is a contentious issue in abnormal psychology.

Normal is defined as “conforming to the usual standard, type, or custom.” This shows that there is no “normal.” Different cultures have different social norms therefore their usual standard varies. Individuals who have a high IQ such as 140 are known to be statistically infrequent; this is seen as an abnormality as it exceeds the usual standard. In other cultures it is “normal” to walk around nude, this deviates from our social norm as is therefore classed as an abnormality. The Failure to Function Adequately definition of abnormality defines whether or not a behavior is abnormal if it is counter-productive to the individual.

The main problem with this definition however is that psychologists cannot agree on the boundaries that define what is 'functioning' and what is 'adequately', as some behaviors that can cause 'failure to function' are not seen as bad i.e. firemen risking their lives to save people in a blazing fire. Deviation from Ideal Mental health defines abnormality by determining if the behavior the individual is displaying is affecting their mental well-being. As with the Failure to Function definition, the boundaries that stipulate what 'ideal mental health' is are not properly defined, and the bigger problem with the definition is that all individuals will at some point in their life deviate from ideal mental health, but it does not mean they are abnormal; i.e. someone who has lost a relative will be distressed, but would not be defined as abnormal for showing that particular behaviour.  On the contrary, there are some indications that some people require assistance to grieve properly.

We are all abnormal as we all deviate from the social norm in some way, such as individuals who are hyperactive, spontaneous, quirky or high maintenance.